Thursday, October 29, 2009

Life in the country

Boy, it must be charming. Living in the country, and all that.
Yes. Yes it is. And also...not so much.
Here's a typical morning in the country:
You are woken up extra early by insane barking dogs in the house. What's the commotion? You run to the living room to see deer in the back yard. Lots of deer. 8-10 deer. This is normal. So you return to bed, only to be woken up 10 minutes later by what sounds like small dogs being torn limb from limb. "The coyotes are here!" you think. "All those dang deer finally brought them upon us!" But no, this time it's the neighbor's dog. The tiny red-dirt colored one with the nightmarish bark. Ha ha! He used to be white, but going outside has turned him salmon colored. Ha! You return to bed, only to be woken AGAIN, this time by what sounds like extra loud knocks on the door. "Now, who could that be? I hope they don't mind being yelled at." You fling open the front door...and no one is there. Yet the knocking continues. Really loud ghosts? Nope, woodpeckers drilling giant holes into your siding. Ha ha! Oh, nature. You yell at the bird, the bird squaks at you and flies off. For now.

In addition to the 8-10 roaming neighborhood does and babies, there's a herd of bucks. They too are drawn to your yard. "Hey, hey Tony! This looks like a great place to fight!" "You're right, Toby! Listen to that small dog barking applause. Engarde!"
As they commence locking horns, the rest of their herd eats what is left of your yard. Then, they poop all over it. Did you know that deer don't just poop pellets? Amazingly, they poop giant dog like things. Also amazing: dogs love to eat this, and then throw it up on your clean carpets. Why this abomination of deer digestion? Hey, is that your next door neighbor feeding them by hand? What is that, bread? YOU'LL BRING THE COYOTES DOWN UPON US ALL, WOMAN!
Wild turkeys also cruise through your yard. Lots of them. This too will cause your dogs to have conniptions.
Why all the wildlife? Well, you made the choice to move into a "gated" community way out in the country, which you knew was nuts but hey! they had cable internet so how bad could it be? And guess what one of the 100s of CC&Rs is? No killing of deer or other wild life.

You start thinking about 10 foot tall fences and guns with silencers several times a day. How much poison would it take to take down 8-10 deer, and just how deep would you need to bury them? Would the neighbors notice? Do you think they might come over with shovels and help? Shock collars to get dogs to stop barking...unethical? Or just unethical enough to work?
All this is just what is happening in the battle field that is what is left of your yard. Never mind how my younger brother opened the door one morning to find a bear sitting right in front of said door, eating his garbage. And how seated, he looked directly eye to eye with it. We won't talk about the rattlesnakes, or the fires that consume the other side of the canyon every summer and fall. Or how a bear fell into another friend's hot tub. Or the giant unexplained monster bugs. Or how you get to see chickens and goats frolicking every day. Exotic cows in the fields, grazing peacefully. Gorgeous views. How quiet it is at night, and how you can see so many stars. The sinkhole/possible mine that suddenly opened up under your parent's house. How we don't have pet stores, we have feed stores, and high school boys wearing cowboy garb unironically (hay bucking champions!) load the heavy stuff into the car for you. (Seriously!)
Yes, life in the country really is charming.


Kati said...

this post cracks me up! :)

~Kati, Hooks of Hope

Teddy Started It said...

LMAO! I don't live in the country, but I still have those maniacal coyotes in my backyard and the f*in' deer eating my ornimentals in the front yard (we're in a gate, so they're nice and protected.) I'm thinking about making pets of the coyotes - maybe if they're living in my yard it'll keep the deer away. If not, at least it'll keep the 'pellets' out of the yard;p

Marilyn said...

Funny!!! I guess it's not the deer fault, try being woken up by skunk every couple of days. That calls for a pellet gun lol!


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